Bleach Fan Fiction Wiki talk:Right to Powerful Characters Qualification Exam
|altbackcolor=#FFFFFF; |textcolor=#FFFFFF |alttextcolor=#0000FF |height=2.2 |maxwidth=20 |tab1=Applications in Progress |tab2=Passed Applications }} Note: Please pay heed to the passed applications located at the tab above this note for examples how you should present your character for the committee to review. Since all applications must be responded first and foremost by me, as I will use that chance to tell you which committee members will be the ones reviewing your character (since we may or may not need to replace and/or add back-ups to the committee), and from there, the committee can then begin grading your characters. Despite the exam's rules not starting until Friday, you are allowed to submit your character early if it is ready. Please remember... to sign all of your posts! --Silver-Haired Seireitou (Dosvidaniya, tovarisch.) 01:23, July 4, 2014 (UTC) :Additional Note: If you have failed your application and haven't reapplied in over a month, your old records below may be deleted in order to maintain housekeeping on this talk page and to reduce clutter. If there were notes on the application that you need in order to retake the assessment, please ask me personally to retrieve the information and I will post it directly to your message wall. --Silver-Haired Seireitou (Dosvidaniya, tovarisch.) 14:31, September 5, 2014 (UTC) User: Kobaruon Rōkurō Yamanosuke Kobaruon 07:47, July 8, 2014 (UTC) :Committee Members: User:Somnium Fluxus, User:Silver-Haired Seireitou, User:Ten Tailed Fox, User:Nisshou, and User:Zf6hellion User:Silver-Haired Seireitou Assessment :I'm afraid I have to make this short, since I'm working on an assignment at the moment for my summer class, so I will rely on the other members of the committee to further explain how your article is. His Appearance section is pretty basic, his Personality section looks rather a-okay, and his History section appears to also be in order. His slew of abilities are all rather balanced and seem to all make sense for a person of the sixth seat, except... "Despite being a mere Sixth Seat, Rōkurō has demonstrated power equivalent to that of a Lieutenant level Shinigami." In case you didn't read the rules, you are supposed to make a character of fourth seat level power or below, not just in rank. Otherwise the entire point of this exam is meaningless. So I can't pass you for this until that aspect is changed. Furthermore, the other issue I have with Rokuro is his Zanpakuto, in that I think you are trying way too hard. Zanpakuto, and Shinigami for that matter, are meant to purify Hollows and allow other souls passage to Soul Society through Konso before they turn into Hollows. The entire nature of his Zanpakuto is completely contradictory for this basic principle, and quite honestly, I would advise you to choose a more fitting ability for a Zanpakuto that is being held by a Shinigami officer of the Gotei 13, since... I'm pretty sure Central 46 would throw his ass into the maggot's nest if he carried an ability like that. It just doesn't make sense for an officer to be allowed to carry a weapon with such an ability. But to be honest, my main issue that has to be corrected is the entire "lieutenant level in power" thing. Total Points: 70/100 --Silver-Haired Seireitou (Dosvidaniya, tovarisch.) 04:58, July 22, 2014 (UTC) User:Zf6hellion's Assessment: *'Appearance': It serves its purpose but levying my usual complaint, there's not much detail going into the character's appearance besides the clothing. No unique characteristics, and no defining of his face or physical make up. Describing the Shinigami uniform is also somewhat pointless, why do I need to know these details when the character isn't wearing it? **'Points': 7/10 *'Personality': Looks fine enough, though it could use some clarity on his lack of use of honourifics, assuming he's imitating Japanese nobles, would he not use honourifics in the presence of those above him in rank and just in general around those he's imitating? If not, surely there's some reaction from those other nobles as he is technically disrespecting them. Further, I don't think nobility in Soul Society would be considered improper on a battlefield, given the number of nobles among the ranks of the Gotei 13. The last paragraph felt a little strange as I read it and could use some expansion with regards to what he does with these feelings, you state that he's inexperienced with them but that doesn't give us any idea on what happens whilst he goes through them. Does he become aggressive? Erratic? Anything? **'Points': 17/25 *'History': The history is a little iffy. Its generally fine at first, and then it suddenly switches tenses in the second paragraph. Taking this bit by bit, I gotta say, from what there is of (And there is very little), he doesn't seem like he'd let someone in purely because of a bribe so it feels like a canon name drop for the sake of one. If he'd refuse despite being a top student, I believe he'd tell Rōkurō's pa to shove it too. The Shinō Academy is a six year term, why hasn't he been kicked out during that year he takes to train with Jinpachi? And, the whole thing gets detailed (Becoming a play-by-play of events even) later on, but brushes over the death of Rōkurō's closest friend without so much as a mention of what happened beyond it being a mission. There's a lack of any mentioning of his attainment of Shikai, which, would be required in directly applying for a Seated Officer position (As Shikai is a prerequisite of the role). Also, an article is from an OOC perspective, while Rōkurō wouldn't know Yamamoto's reasoning, you should, and even if he doesn't disclose it to him, that reasoning should be included otherwise it feels like your just making shit up. **'Points': 14/20 *'Powers & Abilities': Yeah... You're supposed to be comparable to a Fourth Seat Shinigami, so the Great Spiritual Power is an immediate no. I'm also taking issue with the Gaishishō. Since when was it decided that illusions are not Reiryoku-based? Give me a page of the manga citing this or GTFO, pal. I've never heard of this, and as far as I see it illusions are as much Reiryoku as fire balls are (In case you try arguing that its Reiatsu... Reiatsu is Reiryoku exerted as a physical force). Also Souls and Shinigami are made of (And in the Human World), they generate Reiryoku from within to varying degrees. That out of the way, his ability wouldn't impede all illusions, as the mechanics of how they work are defined one a case-by-case basis depending on a particular wielder's ability that and... a Fourth Seat being immune to anything entirely seems a tad OP. The rest is fine up until the Zanpakutō, while I believe its possible to end up with one with such an ability (Just as revolved around manipulating Zanpakutō Spirits) I have to agree with Sei here in that he'd very likely be locked up in the Central 46 Underground Prison or the Nest of Maggots, his weapon has the ability to Hollowfy other beings which is flat out illegal in Soul Society, the fact that his weapon is a prime way to ruin other Shinigami just makes him dangerous and a liability. **'Points': 20/30 *'Grammar': There's a few mistakes here and there, aside from the sudden tense change in the history section though its nothing to write home about. **'Points': 14/15 Total Points: 72/100 Zf6hellion (talk) 19:36, July 25, 2014 (UTC) Kobaruon: Second Attempt Since you have failed, you will have as many chances as you can to re-take the exam. The only penalty is that you must now wait one week before re-submitting your article or another article for examination. You must wait until August 23, 2014, next Saturday, before being able to re-take the exam. Upon that day, please re-submit your article under this sub-section for reassessment. Zf6hellion (talk) 15:48, August 16, 2014 (UTC) Rōkurō Yamanosuke Kobaruon 17:22, April 11, 2015 (UTC) User:Zf6hellion's Assessment: *'Appearance': Nothing's really changed here since last time. Same problems are still present. **'Points': 6/10 *'Personality': Same as above, the old problems are still here. **'Points': 16/25 *'History': Meaningful changes, at last! You've doubled back and made changes for the better, no comments to really add here. **'Points': 16/20 *'Powers & Abilities': Gaishishō is gone, power level is sorted, but his Zanpakutō is still a massive heaping issue that's begging to have him sentenced to the Nest of Maggots by Central 46. You can't just have a Shinigami character that can freely cause Encroachment without justifying it. Is he under watch from Central 46? Is there stipulations he needs to follow? There has to be some consequence for having a weapon that so blatantly defies the laws that he's meant to enforce. This isn't Gotham, man. **'Points': 22/30 *'Grammar': There's a few mistakes here and there, aside from the sudden tense change in the history section though its nothing to write home about. **'Points': 14/15 In Closing: Aside from the history, it feels like there's been no effort to correct things I mentioned as being issues before, so I detracted a point from each of the relevant sections because that's just lazy. Total Points: 74/100 Zf6hellion Zf6hellion (talk) 16:50, April 18, 2015 (UTC) User:Primarch11 Richter Hubert Applying for RPCQE User:Primarch11 19:50, November 22, 2014 (UTC) Brief Assessment: I'm aware of the discussion you've had about this article with my fellow committee members. Please, take no offence, but the article as a whole is of mediocre quality. Apart from spelling and grammar mistakes that hurt my Grammar Nazi eyes Richter seems like a fairly simplistic character. You described some of his traits, but in my humble opinion, this "The Guy Hates Yhwach" aspect overshadows the rest of his personality (and the History section in particular). Furthermore, despite your attempts to tone down his prowess Richter is still not a proper 4th Seat Officer-class. The intention of this Exam is to create a genuinely weak character who has a well-developed set of distinctive features. I highly recommend thoroughly revising the Powers and Abilities section in order to reflect the appropriate combat capacity. Limit the number of traits/skills and make sure to remove all references to him being a Sternritter and/or of Sternritter power level. Galvatron-dono -- [[Message Wall:Saris Khan|''Do you hear the voices too?]] 14:46, November 27, 2014 (UTC) Primarch11: Second Attempt Since you have failed, you will have as many chances as you can to re-take the exam. The only penalty is that you must now wait one week before re-submitting your article or another article for examination. You must wait until '''December 04, 2014', next Thursday, before being able to re-take the exam. Upon that day, please re-submit your article under this sub-section for reassessment. Galvatron-dono -- [[Message Wall:Saris Khan|''Do you hear the voices too?]] 14:46, November 27, 2014 (UTC) Second Attempt with Richter Hubert. Primarch11 05:03, December 4, 2014 (UTC) 'User:Zf6hellion's Assessment': '''Note': The Quote template is an unrequired addition to the article and will be taken as means of bloating the byte count, with it removed, Richter sits at 24,741 bytes, 200 (and change) below the minimum and thus will have an automatic 2 point reduction from the total score. *'Appearance': Just as a note regarding the initial blurb and his age (Which relates to his appearance), how can he have served in both Quincy Blood Wars and only be 29? The first war happened over a 1000 years ago. On to the actual appearance section... "Richter has the appearance of a normal looking person", uh, the wording is weird here. First, most people can't really decide on how much they conform to perceived standards of appearance, next you'd want to be unassuming not "normal", most people are considered normal, and unless they have two tongues that's not likely to change. I wouldn't say someone who's physical appearance is meant to stave off attention would be physically attractive, that brings attention not dissuades it. His uniform started off fine and then devolved into a copy/paste job from the Bleach Wiki article on the 's . Plagiarism isn't cool, man, its lazy, and doesn't get you anything. You don't improve your work by copying from elsewhere, all you do is hurt it. Its also against the rules of the wiki and the exam, so, I can't continue grading this in line with the RPCQE. **'Points': 0/10 Total Points: -2/100 Zf6hellion (talk) 15:27, December 9, 2014 (UTC) Primarch11: Third Attempt - Alternative Assessment Hello I like to put my character Richter Hubert for the alternative RPCQE. Please let me know if it passes or not. User:Primarch11 User:DazzlingEmerald's Assessment: Appearance: To be frank, I am having a rather hard time acquiring any sort of visual image of your character within my mind, aside from the generic getup of a german solider. As you yourself have stated, Richter is in no way unique, though it appears as though this was done intentionally, so I will not discredit you for that. Additionally, I am not a very big fan of the way you wrote out this section, most primarily because it reads out like a list of clothes, almost as if it were copied off of someone's shopping list. I will say that it is quite lengthy, but the way it is formatted heavily takes away from any sort of appeal, and some sentences in particular do not at all seem to fit very well, mostly the ones towards the ends of every paragraph. (My assumption is that you added them in after some time) *'Points': 7/10 Personality: We have some contradictions going on within this section. You mention that Richter cares deeply for "his people", yet at the same time, he does not trust them and actually fears them? This one stood out to me the most. "Richter always portrays a calm and patient attitude no matter the situation." "In battle, Richter can be somewhat ruthless." Also, I'm not exactly sure how tolerant the Quincy would be of people of other religions, especially jews. I'm almost positive the Quincy are based on nazis, but Richter having a different cross and what have you would kind of be defeating the purpose of even being apart of the organization in the first place. (Not to mention that he really hates Yhwach) *'Points': 17/25 History: I'd very much be interested in as to how or why, rather, Richter was forcibly recruited into the Wandenreich. You mention that he did not see the point in fighting against the shinigami in the blood war, and that he really despised Yhwach's orders, yet he still fights and kills a countless amount of people? Whatever happened to this dude never showing emotion? If I remember correctly, Shinji was also present when Hinamori fended off all those soldiers, so how exactly did Richter manage to survive anyway? I'm almost positive a lieutenant could have dealt with him pretty easily, though the wording makes it seem as though he had little trouble escaping her. This section is really weak. Instead of coming up with a story of your own, you simply just inserted Richter into parts of canon and had him survive against powerful foes while the rest of the quincies were simply killed off. I'd be interested in hearing more about why he was forced into the Wadenreich and possibly about why he didn't try to revolt in any which way. *'Points': 10/20 Abilities: You mention that quincies should have a lower natural spiritual power than shinigami, yet Richter's was comparable to a fourth seated officer to begin with? I do like that the sections here start off with him being "weak" and then progressively shows him getting stronger, though. Also, I must say I do admire the time and effort you put into this section as a whole, and the formatting for this is nice. It's lengthy and explains the execution of his techniques as well as how much damage it can account for. *'Points': 25/30 Grammar: So, I'm under the impression that English is not your primary language, which is okay. That shouldn't keep you from having fun here on BFF. However, I will say that reading this article for a person such as myself who enjoys "good reads" was borderline unbearable. There is no excuse for misspelling words on the internet with how easy it is to correct typos and such. Punctuation and sentence structures were especially bad and need some work. *'Points': 1/15 Total: 60/100 Comments: To say in the least, the grammar section is quite obviously your greatest weakness, and I don't really think that you will be able to score many points in there for the next time. If I were you, I'd really focus on fixing up Richter's history and personality sections, you could get in some easy points that might put you over the top to barely pass here. Grammar is a big issue, and the RPCQE asks that every section be written well. I instead ignored that bit and took off all of your points at the end for grammar to give you a better chance at passing, otherwise the other sections would have been much lower. You seem to be a very committed and loyal author to me, so I'd very much like to see you pass this exam in the future. Unfortunately, four was just not your lucky number. My advice to you now would be to look over the sections that you did not perform so well in and get rid of the contradictions. I should be able to look at this page and be able to understand how certain elements tie into one another, but that was not the case here. Please take this following week to really look over this page if you wish to pass the exam, because your efforts are most certainly not in vain. You are getting better with each passing second, and while the sense for grammar won't come over night, you can go on youtube or other websites to look over the basics if need be. [[User:DazzlingEmerald|'Daz']]''Talk'' 20:46, April 27, 2015 (UTC) Primarch11: Fourth Attempt - Alternative Assessment Please let me know if Richter Hubert passes. Primarch11 01:47, April 30, 2015 (UTC) User:Alpha Olphion Karui Hoshigami Lord Arceus (Blam! Y'all got the taste of the Bitch Puddin') 00:40, November 25, 2014 (UTC) Njalm's Assessment: *'Appearance': This was a nice surprise. Typically, appearance sections have a tendency to look rushed, in the case of Karui however that is not the case at all. You take the time to tie in her appearance with who she used to be, making this section appear less standard and more personalized. I do however miss a paragraph describing her face though, or her hair for that matter. Mostly you seem geared towards describing her clothes, I'd suggest describing her most common attire and maybe one more - beyond that, it's usually better to do so in the roleplays or stories you write. Overall though, a good job! **'Score': 7/10 *'Personality': The first thing that caught my eye here was that you've kept central to a theme you introduced earlier in the article, that of her being an entertainer at heart. It's important to keep consistent and I get the impression you've succeeded in that regard. I also generally enjoy it when I get to learn about what kind of person a character is outside of duty. It makes them seem more human. I won't lie, Karui isn't the first character on this site who's almost been raped, far from it. But I was pleased to see that it did in fact have consequences, she seems to be a woman with her share of issues. The fear of being touched is wholly believable given her background and to a lesser extent, so is her misandric attitude (that would be hatred of men). I must admit that I wrinkled my nose just a bit when I came to the last section, sure, it details that she's not all good, but it also comes across as a bit strange. You might want to tone it down a bit, so as to not break with the established character, even if she does technically have a legitimate reason to act that way. **'Score': 18/25 *'History': Her history section is rather short, and to me it came off as rather messy. It's usually best to split up a wall of text into several smaller paragraphs, makes it easier to read. It does summarize her life I suppose, but there's a few strange elements here. Such as how people evidently tended to her every need back home, considering she was from the Rukongai and doesn't appear to belong to any noble house, I found that quite strange. There's also a few Sueish tendencies in the section, such as her single-handedly having made the bar she worked at into a blooming business, wasn't it always a blooming business? You mentioned that the place was frequented by nobles, no? I think you should look over this one again. **'Score': 10/20 *'Powers & Abilities': Right off the bat I see the designation of "Great" in terms to her spiritual energy, I don't know if you're aware of this but Great is typically reserved to captain-class Shinigami. Think Grimmjow. Normally this would've disqualified her but judging from the way you've worded the section, her level of spiritual energy is actually "High", not "Great". I'll just treat this as an oversight. But right afterwards we encounter another problem, and this one is kind of a biggie. You state that through her spiritual control, she's capable of empowering her physical abilities so as to fight Captain-level Shinigami on even grounds, this is not something your average 4th seat should be able to do, not by a long shot. Due to this, I cannot continue this assessment. She's not at the level of your average 4th seat and therefore isn't in compliance with the RPCQE. **'Score': 0/30 *'Grammar': **'Score': 0/0. :Total Score: 35/100 --Njalm (talk) 01:36, November 25, 2014 (UTC) User:Yami444 I am applying Kaito Nakamura for the RPQCE. :Page does not meet minimum length of 25,000 bytes~as per the normal assessment. Please revise. --Silver-Haired Seireitou (Dosvidaniya, tovarisch.) 17:51, December 18, 2014 (UTC) User:Kazeshini74 Kori Kuchiki Character is a Captain and thus falls outside of the RPCQE exam specifications. On top of that... The character wields Wabisuke (Izuru Kira's Zanpakutō) with Sakanade's (Shinji's Zanpakutō) powers. The Hell? Zf6hellion (talk) 15:32, February 22, 2015 (UTC) User:Nathrezim He is Zumorito Fugouka! --Nathrezim (talk) 18:32, February 25, 2015 (UTC) User:EmperorSigma's Assessment: Appearance: I see a few things that concern me in this section. The first is; "280 yrs. old". I believe when describing a time in an appearance section one should probably write out the words completely, and use a formal sentence. Meaning it should be changed to something like, "280 years old." Which isn't informal. Next: "though he looks younger in his general appearance. That he, possesses an average medium height of a normal human teenager with also a well-toned muscles and body physique gained through harsh physical training that perfectly matches his pale skin." :The bolded sections could be merged into one sentence. Having the That he, become a new sentence is not a very good idea. Other than these two, it isn't that bad. * Points: 7/10 Personality: His personality, even I liked. Which is most likely due to the relation of the ninja world (Naruto), where a shinobi is supposed to show no emotion. However, the general focus was placed on his two different personas rather than his actual personality. Question, why was "Ha ha!" Inserted? It's an article, not a comment. * Points: 20/25 History: I think you went to your absolute limit, when you were writing his history. However, you make very confusing statements. Things like Yamamoto being solely focused on such one being. When in my opinion, I don't think he would. * Points: 15/20 Abilities: His Zanpakutō seems perfect for a fourth seated officer, but how you use his abilities is a bit confusing. You state; "Byakurai, for long-range attacks and Hadō #11. Tsuzuri Raiden, combining it through the use of his Zanpakutō." Stated just fine, but you give no instances as to when he had to do combine the two. His Weapons Specialist sections could use a bit more work, I mean he is a specialist, so more elaboration would be expected. That Keen Intellect section is completely unneeded, or if you keep it make it relevant to the title. "As he spends most of his time reading any featured articles in Seireitei news magazines and books in a daily basis." His other thing sections seem to have just been added on, for the sake of bytes adding up. Which isn't a very good look. * Points: 15/30 Grammar: Your grammar could use some work. Many sentences, alone with the ones I have pointed out, make little to no sense. The grammar on the article makes it extremely hard to read it. * Points: 5/15 Total: 62/100 The Perverted Copy Wheel Eye of Justice 19:55, April 2, 2015 (UTC) User:O'Connor2 I am applying Anna O'Connor for RPCQE O'Connr 05:58, March 14, 2015 (UTC)O'Connor2 Article is 11,802 bytes short of the minimum requirement and thus would not be able to accrue enough points on its own to pass. Please revise. Zf6hellion (talk) 11:09, March 16, 2015 (UTC) User:RinkakuKagune Kenpachi Miyamoto is a character created by me. Your Worst Nightmare (FEEL PAIN!) 18:05, August 16, 2015 (UTC) RinkakuKagune: Second Attempt I've edited Kenpachi and I'm still in the midst of adding the relationships and the trivia and then my page is done. Please can you re-evaluate him.Your Worst Nightmare (FEEL PAIN!) 19:00, August 19, 2015 (UTC) Rin, your submission is still far below the minimum byte count. It cannot be accepted. To see the byte count to the edit button and scroll down to "history," those numbers that say "bytes" are the byte count. Also, Miyamoto is clearly not at the level of a Fourth Seat, which disqualifies him from the exam unless you are submitting him for the AA, which you have not. If you wonder what the hell I'm even talking about: then read the rules and requirements on the main RPCQE page. It is called an EXAM for a reason. Just like you can't show up for a history test without having even opened the textbook and hope to pass, you can't really pass the exam here unless you know what the exam is even about.''"There goes Tokyo, yet again." —SCB'' (The chatty-chat section.) 19:06, August 19, 2015 (UTC) User:Masterreaper I am entering Ichinen Kuchiki As my character for the RPCQE. Masterreaper (talk) 21:15, August 30, 2015 (UTC) User:Zf6hellion's Assessment: *'Appearance': This started out pretty well, its fairly in-depth, gives a good amount of detail but... its . Using him as a basis is fair enough, using images of him as a visual reference for what your character should resemble is okay, but wholesale just making your character's exact appearance to be Gintoki? Yeah, no. How is Ichinen different from Gintoki, where does the inspiration stop and the generic copy-paste take over? Ordinarily, I'd write this off as plagiarism and fail you right here, but the written section does seem to be entirely your own words so, instead, I'm just going to give it a low score and advise you to work on this. Images are nice, but they're superfluous. The wiki is a primarily written format, people should have no problem reading about what you're character actually looks like with Mr. Gintama MC serving as a visual representation, at best. I will not be covering the mask here, as it should go into his Hollowfication section, just as other things of similar nature are described in their own relevant areas (i.e: Zanpakutō forms, Bount dolls, Quincy Spirit Weapons et al). **'Points': 1/10 *'Personality': So the general idea is that he's a whack job, outside of being a battle hungry loon with a weird definition of loyalty... what else is there to him? I swear, I read the whole thing and it told me basically fuck all about who Ichinen Kuchiki is. I get it, he lives to fight and he does nothing more than seek it out. But, why? What made him this way? What does he get out of it? Why does he want to be strong? These are crucial details to understanding him as a character, and would decide whether a reader can sympathize or pity him or hate him. Right now he's about as deep as a half-chewed lollipop stick. "Blood Lust State"? Really? Was his mum the shark, or his dad, either way one of 'em must really like fish. I don't see any reason for this state of mind, he's already a psychopath, and nothing in his personality reads like he has any real notion of self control so why give him a "special" state of mind for this? It should just be part of who he is. Its a popular thing for fanon characters to be one way most of the time, and then flip a switch to start acting completely different outta the blue (Usually by combat), this seems to be the case here, only... absolutely nothing really changes. He's already off the deep end, I don't need to read three pages of him laughing too hard to know that. **'Points': 5/25 *'History': This section should be above his abilities, not below it. On top of that, I'm getting the feeling you really like superfluous content. I don't need the synopsis, its a written wiki for fuck sake, no one should need this, and one look at it makes me not even wanna go near that history section. Suffice it to say... Its crap. Why didn't the thief kill him? How did he fend for himself at the age of three, in one of the worst districts of the Rukongai? Please, explain. Why was he asked to join the Kuchiki clan, a highly prestigious clan made up of what is considered to be the elite of the Seireitei does not randomly just pick up an idiot off the street. Please, explain. Why is he somehow able to fight on par with a Third Seat Shinigami (Especially one who has achieved Bankai at that) before even graduating from Shinō? Please, explain. Why would Kisuke turn him into a Visored at complete random? Why would Shinji teach him to control it? Why are these two, Mayuri and Yachiru being shoe-horned in here? Please, explain. This whole thing is trash, there's no real coherence, nothing flows together as it just moves from one event to the next at random points and gives us no real look into Ichinen's character or how he came to be. He just disappears and reappears through events where he should be freakin' dead. Characters re-write their personalities to suit him (Why would Mayuri give a flying fuck what a random nobody wants of him? Better yet, assuming he did send him to Hueco Mundo, how did he get back?) and all it does is make it way too obvious that nothing in here was thought out. **'Points': 0/20 *'Powers & Abilities': You do know whacking your sword against another sword wouldn't work as a block, right? You'd constantly lose footing to a far more solid opponent who isn't restarting his swing every three seconds. Being a fast attacker is one thing, and attacking quickly enough that several swings appear to be one is a nice offensive move but it does not work on the defense. Following that, there isn't a lot of stand out content here, it doesn't detail much of what he can actually do, usually just talking about generics pertaining to his training, or lack thereof. It also bloats quite heavily with all these sections for things that don't need it (Kidō should all fall under one banner) and Blood Lust is not a goddamn skill. I also have to draw in and nitpick the shit out of his Zanpakutō starting with the name. Vampire, really? Look here, y'see how most, if not all, of them have names that reflect what they do without being incredibly generic about it? Notice how none of them are done in Rōmaji? Yeah, you should do that too. Its not hard, here's an example: "Kyūketsuki (吸血鬼, Bloodsucker)". Same intent, bit more like an actual name for a sword than "Banpaia", wouldn't you agree? The power is a little... odd too. You explain that it causes profuse bleeding that can't be stopped by bandages, why not? They help to make blood clot faster and seal up wounds, which prevents bleeding. Cutting someone's Reiatsu should not work in the way you think it does, either. If Ichinen is cutting it after its already outside of the person than that Reiatsu has already been expressed and, at best, he's simply weakening the effects it has on the surroundings by causing it to expand further. Inside his opponent's body that energy is still Reiryoku and wouldn't suffer any changes. Its rather weak as a power goes and could use a bit more defining. Cut = super bleeding isn't particularly effective or threatening when his main enemies are monsters that don't die unless you destroy their mask and ghosts who've been shown to bleed like nobody's business and keep fighting. **'Points': 18/30 *'Formatting & Grammar': Man, have you even looked at a Bleach Wiki article before, or any of the popular articles here? They follow this thing, its called a Manual of Style, should've been linked to it on your visit here, and its a generally accepted style of format used on most AniManga-like wikis, especially fanon ones. His name at the start should be bolded, it should include the Japanese characters and its romanization, y'know like: Ichinen Kuchiki (朽木いちねん, Kuchiki Ichinen). The abilities also really shouldn't be divided into sections for every skill, they should be formatted according to the Manual of Style, like Hein here. As for the actual grammar, holy shit. This thing is all over the place, can you pick one way of doing things and stick with it, please? Watching you randomly capitalize one word and then not do it next time is daft, having you switch the order in which you present names is annoying, it is either English order (i.e: Yoruichi Shihōin) or Japanese order (i.e: Shihōin Yoruichi), not whatever suits you at the time. This applies to how you use names as well, why is Kidō referred to as such and not Demon Way, why is the Seireitei referred to as the Court of Pure Souls, rather than as the Seireitei? Its one thing to do something another way from the norm, its completely asinine to do so and then be inconsistent with yourself. **'Points': Oh Sweet Salty Christ/15 (0/15) Total Points: 24/100 Zf6hellion (talk) 23:20, September 10, 2015 (UTC) User:ShonenChicoBoy's UNOFFICIAL Assessment: (Note that this does not count for grading/review/points, and simply serves as a reference, as this review was provided after the author requested a second opinion on the article.) *'Before any other sections:' Yeah, links, capitalization and the format/layout of the article needs some help. Mainly because it looks unprofessional atm. Some sentences, actually quite a few sentences, are worded quite awkwardly as well, which isn’t an exact abuse of grammar per say, it’s just not an easy read at parts. More than anything else though is that you should expand the character’s introduction: right now he has about two sentences or so stating “he is a visored and a captain,” but.. there isn’t much there that truly tells us what Ichinen is about. The intro is just a summary of the character as a whole, you should high-light the most important parts of your character to give us a general (yes “brief”, but “brief” probably means about a paragraph) sense of who this guy is. *'Appearance:' Okay so, for the appearance: I will say that you start off well. I like the pattern you set of detail: it promises to be well-thought out and insightful into who this character is BUT, as soon as you get to his style of dress things start to fall apart. I understand that you have not seen Gintama: usually it is prudent to NOT copy the main character’s style of dress from a rather popular series exactly to the detail. Why is it even necessary to adhere to the reference picture at %99 accuracy anyway? This isn’t Sakata Gintoki: This is YOUR character. And even from the pic you used in the infobox: we can’t really see what he’s wearing anyway. Rather than describe what you see, why not give it some creativity, or customize it a bit? What I mean is: How does this character: YOUR character, not the anime reference, portray his personality in what he wears. Is he casual and laid-back? Stiff and formal? Preppy and hip? (As far as Shinigami go, that is). God is in the details man, these things are actually important. Another thing you should consider is: okay, so we have the basic picture of what the guy looks like in our heads: but how would other characters see him? Do his features reflect his past in someway? Is there something unique that sets him apart from those around him? Basically what I’m talking about is characterization, which is a valid thing to include in ANY section of the article. It adds depth, as Daz suggested you might need for his appearance. I happen to agree. (And like Z said, the part about his mask should be moved to his Hollowfication section, under powers and abilities.) :Also just on a note on the mask: remember that a Hollow’s/Visored’s mask is an externalization of one’s broken soul: formed when the heart is torn out and re-formed during the birth of a Hollow. That being said, while you have described what the mask looks like I think you have severely over-shot quite a bit of depth that you could have added to the section. Mainly: how does his mask reflect HIM? Specifically? At the moment it seems like you’re describing any old Kabuki Oni mask, is what I mean to say: you should perhaps try and make it more personal. More BLEACH. *'Personality:' So... he doesn’t show interest in others, but at the same time has an insatiable lust for blood: this doesn’t translate. If he truly wanted to rumble and beat opponents to a pulp, I imagine that would be a “whenever” sort of desire, not just a “once the guy proves he’s got enough guts to enrage me” type thing. This section is very much a WHAT but does very little to enlighten us about who he is: what his desires and motivations are, his goals, his loves, his fears, what makes him him and not some -insert any shounen war killing-samurai-machine-benign-berserker-character here- . This section is, to be perfectly honest, cliché. I’ve seen this type of character many times before, in other words. He’s the loner, the war-machine, the brutal anti-hero that somehow we’re supposed to find interesting. But I don’t, actually find him interesting. This isn’t just opinion mind you: this is because he’s shallow. There isn’t much there to root for, no compelling motivations, nothing there for us to actually care about him. Not to mention you have him as Mayuri’s secret-ninja-assassin, for some reason, and also a wannabe rival of Kenpachi (Zaraki). I don’t know WHY you want him as the wannabe rival of Kenpachi: while it’s certainly something valid to include in a character, you don’t give us any reasons as to why that’s even there to begin with. It comes out of left field. How does this guy even KNOW Kenpachi, and why does he want to get to his level? Yes, I know some of this is explained in backstory: but if you’re clever you can include it here as well. Like I said, you are telling us the “what,” but you aren’t showing us the “why.” … oh yeah, and then the part on loyalty just seems randomly tacked on… there’s not really any explanation as to why it’s there. Motivation is key. I keep saying that over and over: that’s because it’s true. :Also he is unemotional but driven by self-hatred? What? That doesn’t fit with his chief goal being to best Kenpachi: if he truly loathes himself I’d doubt he’d have such strong (and violent) convictions to begin with. It’s not exactly believable, let’s just say. “He’s an unstoppable killing machine when he get’s going and he wants to best Kenpachi (one of the most brutal titles you can take), but he also hates himself.” Like: wait… why? Remember nature vs. nurture. Sure there might be certain traits a person is born with, but backstory also plays a huge role into developing personality. You don’t have to do a copy-paste of the history section, but it doesn’t help to add a sentence or two here or there with some mention of say, his past or an explanation as to why he’s the way he is, etc. Also that last paragraph in the personality section there is pretty… eh… poor. For one thing, using the colloquial “one-hundred-percent” and typing it as %100 = “unprofessional-looking” right off the bat, kido should be Kidō, etc. I know you said you didn’t want me to comment on grammar: but honestly it’s the little things like this that really determine how people perceive your article, and is the number one thing they look at right off the bat. Overall the personality is “old,” meaning “we’ve seen this before,” shallow, and not very credible/believable. *'History:' This section is pretty non-sensical. A kid from the streets of Rukongai somehow manages to beat a (formerly bankai-wielding) Shinigami who, considering from what we’ve seen of Ikkaku, by no means would have gone easy just because he was a kid. Then off he goes to Shin’ō Academy, where is promptly accepted by everyone in the Eleventh. But remember Kenpachi Zaraki does not ASK for followers: his strength basically just draws others to him. And most certainly he does not seek others out. And why does Ichinen have Kuchiki as a surname? That is completely random and a pretty clear rip-off of Rukia’s situation, if I am reading into this correctly. And then, not only is the chronology screwed up in regards to the Bleach canon timeline, but in strolls Urahara and offers to make him a Visored? No no no no no. Remember that Urahara only made the Visored because that was literally the last resort in preventing soul-suicide and complete Hollowfication: he was trying to SAVE them from what Aizen had done with the Hougyouku. In other words, this section is pretty much disregarding what has been set in canon. Like… it does take some research and a lot of thought to incorporate fanon characters realistically into the canon Bleach events. Obviously you want to have Ichinen running around with Kenpachi for whatever reason, which is fine: but if that’s the case there needs to be a good reason as to why that is so, and by “good reason” I do not mean truncated and mangled Bleach canon. *'Powers and Abilities:' Okay, so he’s an expert in Kenjutsu/Zanjutsu: if that is the case, and from what you’ve indicated from the way you’ve described it, he is meant to be like, insanely good at Zanjutsu. But there’s only a perfunctory section on kenjutsu, when you think about it, and the only thing described as being particularly strong in that sense is his “speed.” Speed in what? You could go into so much detail here it’s not even funny. What is his style like, his approach to Kenjutsu, why does he fight this way? Etc. etc. etc. It just needs more description/detail, really. If this is his main defining style of fighting, it deserves much much more attention. :Mostly, however, I was wondering why he suddenly morphed into Byakuya and was personally trained by Yoruichi: that came out of left-field, for sure. :You know, at this point in the game it really seems like you just took all the seems from the Turn Back the Pendulum arc and threw your character into the middle instead of canon characters. These are weak ideas, these are things we’ve seen before. I’d strongly suggest that: if you do end up including Ichinen in canon event’s, that you give him his own legs to stand on. Meaning: he has his OWN story that, while it might intersect canon at certain points, can stand on its own as its own thing. That is what it means to be original. You said stuff about “getting ideas” and so forth, and so here I’ll advise you on the next step: once you have an idea, you have to not just “follow” that idea, but chase it down and club it to death. You have to burn it, smelt it, polish it away until in the end what you have left is the core of the idea: the “gold” so to speak. Because trust me when I say there is a lot of subconscious “flak” that rises to the surface when writing: our brains easily absorb information around us, and in the context of narratives stories around us and process it, recycling it to where we think what we have is our own idea when actually what has been generated is a tried-and-true trope or cliché that we long ago picked up along the way. This is why writing is hard: you have to become consciously aware of this, and then you have to be discerning. Which parts am I going to keep: which parts needs to be changed and modelled until they become truly “mine?” This is why they call writing an art. :Er.. also his Kidou section needs to be combined. It’s basically just a list of things right now. You should have an actual description of his style of spellcasting though, since Kidou is one of the four branches of Zansenzoki, it’s not just a science or math or “say the right words and viola,” it too is its own separate Shinigami art. Also, just listing stuff sort of gives the impression that your knowledge of Bleach in general isn’t too in-depth. :A note on that very subject (being canon awareness): Cero. Hrmm, well: Cero is a pretty rare occurrence among Visored, if you didn’t notice. Well Ichigo was going beserk and tried to use one they seemed shocked: and reacted very quickly in order to try and stop him. That your character is just arbitrarily assigned an (Arrancar, might I add) technique seems weak and random. There should be a very good explanation as to why it’s there. :As for his Hollowfication: eh, “he would die without it,” … Die without WHAT, exactly? He’s a Shinigami: he’s already dead. Why is his mask so much different than everyone else’s? This doesn’t make him “cool” it just makes it… weird. Also having a mask appear on your hip is lame no matter which way you try and dice it. I just don’t get it… Also if this guy is a Visored on par with Ikkaku and a more than decent fighter against Kenpachi: I’d say he’s way above fourth seat level no matter what way you look at it. *'To sum up:' Eh... I could go on, but in short I’ll just cut to the chase: Basically one of the biggest problems with your character as he is right-now is that he’s not really a character. Or if he’s a character he’s extremely shallow. There isn’ a whole lot to him in other words, he’s a card-board cutout. He also demonstrates quite a few tendancies of Mary-Sue-itis, and if you’re wondering what that is I’d suggest reading this blog here, as it addresses one of the main issues of why the exam exists in the first place, which is to prevent Mary Sues and under-developed characters. ''"There goes Tokyo, yet again." —SCB'' (The chatty-chat section.) 05:13, September 11, 2015 (UTC) User:Dal101 Entering Chitose Wasuchiru its not worthless, it is only worth less (talk) 17:40, November 25, 2015 (UTC) User:DazzlingEmerald's Assessment: *'Appearance': In this section, there is very little description of his physical portrayal. You mention that he wears a "standard" Shihakushō, but then, instead of bothering to describe how it looks, you creep into a separate argument, of how his vambraces would uphold in a battle. My major issue with this section is that you're merely listing what he's wearing, and then expecting the reader to already know what you're talking about. As a small piece of advice, assume the person tuning in to your article knows nothing about the Bleach universe while you're writing this. Don't be afraid to really get into more detail here, because it's quite important. Also, why is it that this section is written in a separate context from the rest of the article? Normally, an article such as this should never be written in the second person perspective, which means, "you" should not come up so frequently as it does. This isn't a tutorial. **'Points': 6/10 *'Personality': This section really started off well, much better than the last. It's quite deep, actually, that he causes trouble purposefully so as to avoid having to sleep through night duty. I liked how you pieced those two parts together. But then… that's all there is to him? Well, I suppose you did mention that he "has nothing else to live for". **'Points': 10/25 *'History'": The first bit of his history section is very redundant. Literally, all you really stated was that his soul was very old, older than even Yamamoto, and then restructured that same concept several times over. There's also a bunch of huge leaps here, with no clear support offered to them. How did he even become so wealthy? If he was apart of a noble family —which usually tend to be very heavily guarded, at that— then how did these thieves even break in to his home in the first place? I'm going to be a bit blunt here, so do forgive me for this. The use of this mysterious ancient artifact is beyond stupid. If an object is so much as even rumored to have been used to create the world, then how is it that it can be so easily purchased by a man who cannot even afford decent bodyguards? First of all, it should never be placed on clearance like it was. And on top of this all, he wanted to study it, yet kept it locked up and didn't bother to study it once? No, no, if he knew it was so dangerous in the first place, why is he keeping it at home with him? I like the concept you're trying to achieve here, with the cycle of reincarnation within the Soul Society, only the execution is poor. Dirt poor. Mostly because you're being too darn passive with it, and fail to realize the true consequences that would come with harboring something as powerful as a tool that helped create the world. Looking through the rest of this section, I can't seem to find what I was looking for. What caused those oh-so important nightmares that consumed the entirety of his personality section? If he's born anew each time because of this cycle of reincarnation, then I imagine the nightmares would be linked with Chitose directly. The history section fails to relate to the theme of the character, at least in my opinion. For this reason, you will be missing out on major points. **'Points': 5/20 *'Powers and Abilities': There's some noticeable blemishes of contradiction I've run into through my read of this section. The thing that stands out to me here most is that you keep mentioning that he's below captain level in everything. It's good that you read the rules and all, but I should be able to come upon a conclusion such as that without you having to constantly remind me. By the way, Zanjutsu does not refer to the practice of swinging around a sword. Zanjutsu is the skill and bond between the spirit of the Zanpakutō and the Shinigami, to my knowledge. Unless I am mistaken, I believe what you're referring to in this section is Kenjutsu. You do realize that intelligence is accounted in this section as well, right? So him having knowledge of these forbidden and lost Kidō spells due to his past lives is technically surging him well beyond a Fourth Seated Officer, even if he isn't able to execute them as well. His Zanpakutō ability is also quite extensive, and strikingly similar to Madoromi's resurrection. Make of that what you will. Even so, I do feel as though it accomplishes a bit too much for just a Shikai, but it's been shown — at least in fillers— that some Shikai just happen to be incredibly powerful on their own. **'Points': 15/30 *'Grammar and Formatting': To say the least, the grammar on this article was simply atrocious, at best. Starting with the introduction itself, there are some immediately noticeable mistakes that just jumped out at me. From run-on sentences to incorrect usage of apostrophes, this article really had them all. However, my biggest issue of all was that this article read more like a list than anything. The structure was pitiful, with no variety in terms of how paragraphs started off. Even sentences following one another started off the exact same, which I found extremely lazy! For an example of this, the page reads as follows: ''Chitose is __. He is ___. He also __. Chitose ___. Sometimes, Chitose ___. At times, you even seem to get off topic in certain paragraphs. You'll be talking about one thing in paragraph 4, and then out of nowhere, you'll dig back in to something from paragraph 2. It would be okay if you were looking to make a valid point or even to support a claim you were trying to bring to the reader's attention, but that's not how it played out at all. On the subject of proper formatting, please make sure you're adding links where they need to be added and are capitalizing titles that appear across the article. That happens to be one of my biggest personal pet peeves, if it means anything here. **'Points': 3/15 *'Total Points': 39/100 *'Conclusion': You've failed. Feel free to have another member of the committee conduct their own separate review if you felt as though I was unfair in my judgment of your character. What I found to be something you struggled with on this page was ''execution, both in terms of logic and writing. Unfortunately, those happen to be the two single most important elements of this exam. My advice would be to at least reread a post before you choose to publish it, because it doesn't look like you really put in any additional effort. Also, as far as logic goes, make sure before all else, it correlates to the Bleach universe, and then that it's less convenient for your character. DazzlingEmerald (talk) 22:00, November 25, 2015 (UTC)